The Lava Fondue Showroom and House of Bacon

PART 2

Although we couldn't see any lights or people or evidence of any business to speak of, Damon found a sweet parking spot close to the block where we believed the Lava Fondue Showroom to be.  I thought the vacant looking buildings, dark street, and proximity to a CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE needle exchange was a good sign of exciting things to come. Damon seemed a little reluctant to leave the car. 

I tried to hide my disappointment once we rounded the block and saw the huge House of Bacon sign. Don't get me wrong; it looked like a fine place to eat. Large windows and warmly lit interior hung with those Edison bulbs every hipster covets. It's just...not what I had imagined.*

It wasn't that busy (maybe because it wasn't even 6:00 yet, and we were totally Linda-and-Ralph-ing it**), and we were seated quickly. When our waitress left a beer and wine menu, Damon and I had a shared moment of panic thinking there may not be a full bar. We looked around in alarm, trying to identify a cocktail amidst the tables.  I was talking Damon through a square breathing exercise when our waitress approached. I ordered two gin and tonics, waiting for her I'm-so-sorry-we-don't-cater-to-your-type-of-drunk closed mouth smile. But she took the order with no hesitation. Soon, she was back with healthy pours served in mason jars.

The menu was written on a chalkboard across the room, and we couldn't see it because it was pretty dim and we're getting old and also because I was getting five weeks out the one week contacts I wear. She read the entire menu to us, and we ordered four sides of bacon to split:

(L to R below) Garlic Sriracha, Parmesan, Almond Joy, and Sesame Brown Sugar

We were pretty hungry at this point, but we tried really hard to do that "smell everything and take small bites" thing that real food critics do. I took notes in my notebook***. We drank water to clean our palettes. I think we even used words like "savory" and "umami". We ordered another round of drinks.  And here is my inaugural food critic review: it was pretty good. 

I mean, of course it was tasty. It's fucking bacon. But it kind of dawned on me while I sampled the Almond Joy bacon that this whole restaurant was probably the shared brain-child of a couple of HUGE stoners who experiment in their kitchen at 2:00 AM. It doesn't  seem like real culinary artistry is what I'm saying. Cook up some bacon, slap some Hersey's syrup, coconut, and slivered almonds on it...Voila!

After ordering a third round of drinks, we asked our waitress about the fabled Lava Fondue Showroom. She told us to go through a corridor, past the kitchen and bathrooms, and ask at the "desk in the back room".  Damon went to investigate as I finalized notes. He returned triumphantly, announcing that we had just purchased the last two tickets, seated at the bar!  We squared up with the House of Bacon, and moved on to the burlesque.

*This kind of thing happens to me a lot. But in an attempt to be a half-glass-full type of person, I decided it wouldn't color my evening right out of the gate.

**This reference, "Linda-and-Ralph-ing it", is an old saw known only to my sisters and me. It describes those types of people who begin work at dawn's crack and call it a day around 3:00. Then, they go home and eat supper no later than 5:00; bed by 7:00.  And they always seem to put stuff on lay-away at Service Merchandise.  And the wife usually has a hair salon in a room that used to be a spare bedroom, but now it has a separate entrance and always smells of Apple Pectin perm from Sally Beauty. You know...those types of people.

***Because Damon and I have a shared attention span of a two year old, I decided to bring a notebook and pen to take notes during this excursion like a real professional.  Which is a good thing, because we kept having to remind ourselves to pay attention to what we were doing and stop talking about the stupid things we always get talking about. For example, the background music: banjo covers of pop songs, and we spent quite a bit of time playing "everyone drinks until someone names that tune". In the spirit of true reporting, I insisted that he Google the name of the band using the songs we could identify and the descriptive "blue-grassy". He came up with the name of a band, and I wrote it down, trusting my source. But as I'm reviewing my notes JUST NOW, I'm realizing that he was either screwing with me or he misspelled something because he gave the name of the band as The Gregory Brothers.  And having just tried to link audio, I can tell you that it was NOT The Gregory Brothers****.  I've included a viral favorite from said group below... and so the mystery remains.

**** TOTAL REDACTION: DAMON WAS RIGHT! It WAS the Gregory Brothers...I promised him I'd make a public apology, and so here it is. Go forth, you three readers, and know that I was hasty in my criticism. Here it is: