The Lava Fondue Showroom and House of Bacon

PART 1

When you live in Maine during the dead of winter, it's easy to go a little shithouse crazy. I mean, even during the high season of summer, decent entertainment is hard to come by around here. And after two months of sub-freezing temperatures, bi-weekly power outages, and a dog who parks herself in front of the heater and smells of the skunk she was sprayed by FOUR MONTHS AGO, I am ready to get the fuck out of this house. But where to go?  Frankly, I cannot sit through another whist party at the Town Hall hoping to win the coveted can of creamed corn.*

So, imagine my surprise and delight when I came across this ad on a blog called Weekend Sinners:
BURLESQUE SHOW
This Saturday: Lady's Labyrinth
Details: Join Sarah as she once again ventures into the Labyrinth, Tormented by Jareth and his slightly altered creatures at every corner to make a career decision that she is hesitant to contemplate. 
* There is a little bit of a secret entrance, we usually have a little sign out in front of the door, but if you can't find it go through the House of Bacon and tell them you want to see the burlesque show.

Right?  And it gets even better. The name of the "showplace" is called The Lava Fondue Showroom. So, we're talking bacon, cheese, and titties...and in my almost-backyard!

Have you ever had those dreams where you're in your childhood home and you suddenly stumble upon a secret room and you think "What the...? How long has THIS been here?!" I had that dream a lot. And my dream room was usually filled with MAD magazines and Oreos; at age 9, that combination simply took my breath away. After having this dream intermittently for awhile, I happened to mention it to my two younger sisters. They thought it was pathetic. Karmen said that her dream room would be filled with shoes and dresses. Heather said her room would be a Miss America pageant and she'd be the winner. I told her that wasn't exactly how dream rooms worked, but she was in her I-am-Debbie-Boone phase and told me to leave any comments with her publicist.

In any case, I sort of had that "dream room" feeling when I saw this ad: surprised, excited, and wondering how long I'd been missing out on these kinds of events that were practically right under my nose. There was no way I couldn't go.

I volunteered my friend Damon to join me, and while he pre-gamed** for our big night out, I jumped into the shower.***  Then, we headed 30 minutes west to the second largest city in Maine: Lewiston.



*I swear that's the prize. It has been since I was 7 and was finally allowed to play. And I have a sneaking suspicion it could be the same can of corn that gets handed around each time.
**Damon's pre-gaming this particular evening entailed "sipping" a gin and tonic while conducting a straw poll titled: Do You Enjoy the Smell of Your Own Farts. Not surprisingly, results were leaning toward a distinct gender bias. See Diagram A below.
***I feel compelled to admit that I showered solely to try and shave my pussy. I'd never been to a burlesque show, and for some reason, I got it in my head that there may be an amateur hour during this thing,and I needed to be prepared.

DIAGRAM A: