Snow Day Binging

Today was another snow day. Snow days always sound exciting the night before. I usually go to bed with a list of things I plan to accomplish during this freebie-clean-slate day. For the record, very few of those things actually get done. I'm a great planner; just not so good with the execution. So, despite the fact that I had laundry and bills and a kitchen to paint, I was bored and couldn't bring myself to do any of it.

Instead, I wandered through the house, convincing myself that any chore was probably a bad idea because the power could go out at any time. Painting? I would ruin the brushes if I couldn't run water to clean them properly. Laundry? The clothes would smell if they stopped mid-cycle and would have to be re-washed anyways. Bills? I'd have to wade through the snow to get them in my mailbox (which would probably be destroyed by the plow). You see what I mean?

I started to pick through a pile of papers and books that had been accumulating for some time when I came across one of my old journals*. I started flipping through this journal, and it made me sort of chuckle. It was a diet journal. One of many. You see, I have always been on some kind of diet or another. It's just one of my hobbies I guess. It started back when I was in third grade and thought my parents were trying to poison me. I would only eat foods that were either packaged or that I watched being prepared. One might think this would cause a child to lose weight. Alas...no.  I ballooned. And then, when I got over my "poisoned"gig, I bounced from one fad diet to another, all of which I read about in my grandmother's Readers Digest. I did the Grapefruit; the Melba Toast and Prunes; the Cabbage Soup; the Eat-Anything-You-Want-But-Spit-It-Out-Before-Swallowing (I made that one up myself). If it didn't cost anything for a membership, I was in**.

This journal wasn't from my childhood though. This one started in 2012. And the first page was titled "Things I Didn't Eat Today". I remember when I wrote it. My kids were young and I was always hearing about POSITIVE reinforcement. I guess I figured that instead of writing down everything I DID eat, it may be more encouraging to list the things I DIDN'T eat. And also, because I'm competitive, I remember thinking that I could get into the challenge of listing more and more foods everyday.  This page in the journal wasn't even slightly filled. In fact, I had listed only one thing: an apple.  The folly of this plan isn't lost on me now, but at the time, it seemed bulletproof***.

Page two was dated late 2012 and was simply a list of TV shows and documentaries. Now, before I go on, I want to remind readers that I'm SHARING here. Please don't judge my inclinations; I am fully aware of my shortcomings. The page was titled "Do It Yourself Anorexia" (Which doesn't really make sense. Isn't all anorexia DIY?.. But I digress). There were a ton of titles. Everything from classic The Karen Carpenter Story to TV show Intervention. I remember watching most of them, trying to glean strategies from people who had perfected the art of not-eating. I always considered myself a quick learn, but evidently I have some kind of brain block in the food disorder matrix. I simply could not master anorexia. I mean, I'd do ok for a day or two. But then you better bar the door****.

The last page was just a little odd. It was dated 2013 and was titled: "Why I Eat and (How to Stop It)". Again, maybe not the most sentient title, but you know what I meant.  There was a list of garden-variety reasons why I overate. Sadness (get new friends). Depression (get better drugs). Boredom (take a class). But the one that was actually interesting was The Urge. It was number 6, but probably should have been number 1. And the solution in parenthesis was (remember the Hood man).

When I was a kid in the late 70's and early 80's, there were these TV commercials for Hood Milk with a little guy, the Hood mascot, made of some kind of horrid clay-mation. His name was Harry Hood*****. If you watched the video above, you need no further explanation. There was something about that little guy that completely bothered both me and my sister Karmen. We actually talked about it back then, and we both had a similar urge when he would appear on the TV screen. We both wanted to pick him up and SQUEEZE him. Like really hard. But we were only kids, and we never delved into the conversation more than to say exactly that, and it was always in combination with the miming of squeezing something in both hands and scrunching our faces up with slitted eyes.

It was only when I got older that I started to think maybe Karmen really wanted to squeeze him because she thought he was so cute? Maybe her squeezing was a mothering response? All I know is that my squeezing urge was something very very different. It was a weird and hard-to-describe tingling awakeness. I wanted to squeeze him, but I also wanted to roll him up into a ball like super soft white bread. And then pop him in my mouth to feel that creepy little Hood man stick in my teeth. Or, and even stranger still, I kind of wanted to roll him up and stick him in my vagina. And then just walk around with him slowly suffocating. I know! Super fucked up. But it was The Urge that made me want to do it. I can't tell if it was sexual or just a hunger response. I truly don't know. The best word I can find to describe it: predatory. Not the most satisfactory descriptive, but it's the best I can do******.

That was all that was in my journal. The rest was blank. I wasn't exactly sure what to do with it, so I just put it in my cabinet of curiosities for now. And I guess the day wasn't a total waste. The power's still on. The pile of paper crap is cleaned up. And I guess one could say I cleaned out the freezer. Not bad, considering.

* Now, I love journals. Like a snow-day-eve, they hold so much promise. I am simply a sucker for those pages and pages of blankness. I have a ton of them, but I usually only write in a few pages and the rest goes unused...sort of like the actual snow day itself.
** I feel the need to admit that, as I perused the journal, I was eating leftover chicken wings that my friend Damon had brought over the night before. Unheated. I like them that way because I also tend to eat the bones and they're crunchier when cold.
*** By the way, after the chicken wings, I moved on to frozen T.G.I.F. potato skins with cheddar and bacon.
**** I was now enjoying two grilled everything bagels from the freezer, with melted cheese and tomato soup. Delicious. At the same time, I was heating two State Fair corn dogs.
***** As a kid, I never actually knew his name. I had to Google it just now. And I'm a little disturbed by the sexual innuendo, frankly. But I guess sex sells.
****** (I know, these asterisks are ridiculous) I mulled over the Hood man while polishing off a bucket of PF Chang's pot stickers from the freezer. Cooked of course. What do you think I am, some sort of barbarian?