How My Fascination with Certain Men Gets Me in Trouble

I recently got myself in some hot water because I obviously don't know how gmail works. I had been invited to a potluck with a group of moms whom I don't usually do anything with, and I was a bit flattered to be asked into the clique. I thought I was responding "I'll bring a bok choy salad!" to this group of no-nonsense women using my very respectable work gmail address. But evidently, I was still logged into this gmail which APPARENTLY has the accompanying picture of Mr. Rogers giving the finger* with every correspondence. 

Needless to say, there was a bit of backlash about it.** But really, can anyone keep track of emails? I can't believe I'm the only one who has made this mistake. Give me a break.

So, I took the opportunity to ask one of the millennials in my office to help me figure out what went wrong. I tend to answer emails on my phone, and I handed it over to her, asking if she could make my professional work email the default. Just so it wouldn't happen again. She started scrolling through the list of accounts and exclaimed, "Why do you have so many email addresses?"

Wait, what? 

Doesn't everyone have multiple emails? I mean, depending on what you're signing up for or answering? I'm sure you didn't sign up for your Ashley Madison account using your home email address...just saying.

But I will admit, I do have quite a few email addresses. And mostly because a long time ago, I started collecting the addresses of game show hosts. I don't mean I collected THEIR emails. I started to create email addresses in their names. I can't tell you why. But what I can tell you is that I became intrigued with the popularity (or not) of certain hosts.

For example, the first in the collection was G.Rayburn1999@yahoo.com. I remember getting that one before gmail even existed. I picked that number because it was the year of his death. But soon I got another address because I didn't want Gene to be lonely. I picked Richard Dawson. But despite my attempts to use either Richard or R, everything was taken. I ended up having to settle with rdawson1289@yahoo.com. That COULD mean 1,288 other people were paying homage to the great Mr. Dawson before me! It became a little like stamp collecting, and ultimately, I've collected over 26 different email addresses*** not including my real work emails and my personal emails. 

So who's the most popular TV game show host according to the gmail machine? Alex Trebek. I got his about 5 years ago and it was at 19088 at that point. I have no idea what it is today. And the least popular? As you can see, it's the one I use on this account: psajak1. Meaning, only Pat and I use that email address. Nobody else. It kind of makes me sad. That's why I use it the most.

I always imagined that there was animosity between Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak. I think the first time it occurred to me was while reading National Lampoon in 5th grade****, and they quoted Mr. Sajak as saying:

"Every now and then, if you're very quiet in the studio, you can actually hear my brain cells die and hit the ground. But you have to listen carefully."

I think I fell in love with Pat a little because of his self-deprecation. And somehow a rivalry between him and that upstart Alex Trebek, who hosted that "smarty-pants show" that my father would snort at while changing channels to find the M*A*S*H reruns, was born. I know now that I had simply internalized a kind of anti-intellectualism and imagined a cold war between the two. And I always assumed it was a creation of my own making.

UNTIL, I read a short story written by my most favorite author of all time, David Foster Wallace. It's called Little Expressionless Animals, and it has a sub-plot that highlights the animosity I imagine exists between Sajak and Trebek. I was completely mind-blown and once again, in love*****. 

www.theparisreview.org/fiction/2547/little-expressionless-animals-david-foster-wallace

In any case, I hope my email issues have been resolved. Thank you, young millennial****** whom I won't mention by name, for helping this old lady keep her shit straight. I can't promise it won't happen again. But I'll try my best.



*  Which is one of the greatest photos ever taken and is hopefully archived in the Smithsonian.
**  Luckily the potluck was postponed and I haven't had to face them in person yet. They're going to let me know when it's rescheduled. 
***  Gene Rayburn, Richard Dawson, Bob Barker, Alex Trebek, Pat Sajak, Bob Eubanks, Monty Hall, Regis Philbin, Chuck Woolery, Allen Ludden, Wink Martindale,...well, you get the idea.
****  Let me explain why and how a 5th grader might have a subscription to National Lampoon (god rest its soul). I found an old NL issue in our second-hand piggyback camper when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and thought it was hysterical. Much better than MAD or Cracked. I finally convinced my mother to cancel my Ranger Rick subscription for NL in 4th grade by telling her that it was National Geographic for kids. Because it came in a similar brown wrapper and had illustrations by R. Crumb on the front, she bought it. 
***** I wrote David several letters and tried to explain the magicality of it all. I never heard from him. But I still think of him fondly as he hung himself in 2008. I'm not saying that because I think I had anything to do with it. But, it would sort of fit a pattern in my life...
******  Not to go on, but I remember when I was on the school board and we'd be asked to add exorbitant funds to our technology budget for "computer literacy and instruction". I was always the board member who voted "NO" on those hikes. Simply because hiring an adult to teach kids how to use a computer is ridiculous. It still is. I mean, they are born knowing that stuff. Case in point, when I first got a smart phone, my son somehow reprogrammed the texting application so that certain typed words changed into other ones. But not until you pressed "send". He was 7 at the time. And here's one of the texts I ended up sending to both the President of the Board and the Superintendent (spelling mistakes are his):

Hello Paul and Poop Stane, 

I received the board packet and had a few questions about the transportation expenses. Could you give me a fart buble when you have a chance? Thanks so much.

I still don't know how he did it. But I did use it as an example supporting my case during the next budget review.